Wow, I am down 55 pounds so far... and I really needed a new suit, b/c the old one just hangs off me. So I bought a new bathing suit! ... I found something & feel really cute in it. My daughter said I look like a lady bug in it, awww...

and despite being totally disrespected in a bathing suit only store, first.

Went in to "Water Water Everywhere" in Montgomery Mall. I figured they specialize in bathing suits, are supposedly suit fitting experts. Went in and start oggling at all the beautiful suits -- really pretty prints, gorgeous designs... quickly realize I am gtting totally ignored by not just one, but 2 sales women. And I also quickly realize that all of the suits are on the small side.

I meakly say to the very fat sales lady standing at the cash register area, mistakenly thinking she might be sympathetic to me, "excuse me, would you be able to help fit me into a suit?"

And I get "a look" -- a look that says, you are too fat to shop here. A look that says, I can't believe you are wasting my time, I can't believe you are talking to me.

Then she looks at her coworker (who was doing some store paperwork) and gives her a look too! A look that says, can you believe she is talking to us???

I am like horrified, feeling like a fat piece of shit, and feeling about 2 years old getting reprimanded by a grown up.

She says, "well, we only carry up to size 16. But that is only in a few select suits."

Ackward pause in conversation.

I said, "ok, well I guess I will have to keep losing weight. I will have to spend my money elsewhere in the meantime. I am surprised, I thought this was the place to come for hard to fit bathing suits. I guess not"... and I left, with head high, but inside I was shaking and really embarrased.

Then I got really mad. I mean this really fat woman-- she had to be at least 100+ pounds fatter than I have ever been, even at my heaviest!!!! was giving me an attitude about being too fat?!? HELLO, BITCH????? DON'T YOU REALIZE YOU ARE WORKING IN A STORE THAT DOESN'T WANT YOU AS A CUSTOMER????? But, you are giving "me" attitude???? Oh, ok! Well, go fuck yourself sideways!!!! And remind me NEVER to shop in your store EVER b/c you hire horrible employees who have no customer service or sense of tact whatso ever.

Any how... wound up buying the cute ladybug suit at Torrid. BTW, its a size 12-14. Yeah, I realize Torrid is a fat ladies storee, but I am at the lowest end of their clothes (and same for Lane Bryant) -- and I HAVE NO IDEA what i am going to do for clothes shopping when I get to that no-woman's-land/Limbo of the "not fat enough for the fat ladies stores, not thin enough for regular stores"!!!!

tried to do an excel chart with my most recent and past Tanita body composition analysis info. In excel it looks prettier

Dates did the Tanita
1/17/2008, 3/5/2008, 5/9/2008

Weight
239, 229, 215.2

BMI
38.7, 36.8, 34.8

Basal Metabolic Rate (# calories if stayed in bed all day)
1828, 1788, 1724cal

Impedence (the body's resistance to electric current, helps figure other numbers)
418, 402, 439

Fat Percentage (Desireable range is 21-33% fat)
47.20%, 44.7%, 44.20%

Fat mass (total fat lbs)
112.8, 102.6, 95.2

Total Body Water (want 50-70%)
92.4, 93, 87.8

Fat Free Mass (muscle, bone, water, tissues --Desireable Range is 32-59.2 lbs)
126.2, 127, 120

long stories short...

-woke before the alarm went off b/c my cat Galahad decided to meow incessantly in my ear and when I didn't get up immediately, he decided to pee on my dirty laundry.

-left my gym bag at home, didnt get to work out

-had to return home b/c all my work clothes were in the gym bag

-decided to go to the grocery store instead to buy stuff for my work fridge (otw only 20 min to work out!), realized I left my main credit card at home in front of the computer...

-tried to use my other credit card, it got declined... am totally humiliated & embarassed, so try to write a check but am told since my cc was declined and I "dont have a Snyder's grocery check cashing card" -- which will take 5-6 business days to approve, I can't write a check

-called the call center for the cc, obviously am calling India. They try to connect me w/ a supervisor and I get disconnected... so I just went to a ATM and got cash to pay...

anyway... my rest of the day just followed suit... lucky me...
-----------

so... some people are just plain idiots.

anyhow... I needed to go to the store (again, for dinner stuff!). This time I had my real cc on me. And I have always had a friendly interaction with one of the cashiers... didn't see her, so went in another line. As I am checking out, she comes in, today she had a later work shift than normal.

So my usual cashier says hi as she walks by and says, "Wow Rachel! You are really doing so well with the diet. You look FANTASTIC!!! Hey, (name of cashier I am using), did you know that this lady has lost... how much have you lost?"

I answer, "55 pounds as of this week!"

My usual cashier says, 'wow, thats great, keep it up. You are really inspirational"

Then my current cashier (who is fairly obese) says, "incredible, congrats... what are you doing?"

When I say, "An 1800 calorie per day diet and exercise at the gym 5-6 days per week", I get "the look"... "the look" that says all over her face, 'oh, that's not what I wanted to hear"

And so my current cashier says, "oh, ok... well, I could never do that"

And I respond, "of course you can"

She resonds back, "well, I am obese (me thinking.... no... really?????) But I need to live my life, and I won't give up eating POPEYES and McDONALDS, even if it means staying fat... I mean, maybe if my life was in jeopardy I could, but until then I am going to enjoy everything I eat"

At this point, I am horrified. And I said, "well, if you really wanted to, you could. But I get it you just don't want to... and that's ok, b/c you are looking for a magic pill and there is no magic pill except for diet & exercise... when you are ready to do it, you will do it. Because life is so much better when you feel healthier."

Then she reiterates the "i love Popeyes fried chicken" AND ADDS "and I cant imagine not eating it at least 2x per week" statement."

EEWWWWWW!!!!! I think I have eaten that maybe 5x in my whole life... I can't image EVER eating that 2x in a month, much less per week... that is so nasty to me-- even before my diet/exercise phase of my life.

OK... well, I just thought, well, then you are an idiot, but if you accept that, then whatever, its not my problem.... I realize that my health is more important than any stupid-assed fast food, grease laden garbage that clogs your arteries and make you have bad skin and horrible flatulence... I just refuse to be "that idiot" anymore...

Today, I feel irritated. A client at work asked "when are you due?" thinking I was pregnant... I responded, immediately, "oh, I am not pregnant. I am just fat"-- and in reality I just wanted to die of embarassment.

She responded with immediate apologies, and said her confusing was probably due to the empire cut shirt I was wearing. A shirt I just bought (I was so happy b/c it was a size 14 and in really cute colored pattern and I mistakenly thought I looked good in it). I literally yesterday I bought it. Well... I guess I am not ever going to wear it again, and am putting it in the immediate charity pile. That was a wasted $28. I am not one of those people who will wear something, then return it-- that is not fair to the store. I wore it, It was mine, and I am going to chose to toss it aside b/c I can't deal with the idea that it makes me look like I am wearing maternity wear.

Anyhow a coworker later said (after she left) that it was "a good thing" and I "should see it as such b/c that person didn't think I was fat... she just thought I was pregnant".... gee -- thanks a lot, that made me feel better.

OTW I was psyched, bc I had gotten the scale moving again. Am down 53 pounds so far.

So, I decided to take my "upset-ness" out on gardening. Out damned weeds! Nothing like throwing around bags of cubic foot organic garden soil to take out frustration.

And b/c my asparagus crowns arrived today, I planted 2 beds of asparagus. I have to work that by burying it all summer in the trenches I dug for them... and next year I can do "light cuttings", then second year I can cut all I want! -- BE NICE TO ME... AND I MIGHT BESTOW YOU WITH SOME OF THE BOUNTIES OF MY LABORS IN THE YEARS TO COME! :-)

Anyhow... will be working out extra hard on the elliptical machine tomorrow b/c I don't want to "look pregnant" any more than I want to "look fat"

supposedly dad is being moved to a nursing home facility today.

Am considering buying a cheapo mp3 player and loading it with Joan Baez, Kingston Trio, Simon & Garfunkel, Peter,paul & mary and other stuff my dad loves... so he will be less bored.

with all the polygamist compounds in the news... I want to explain when I said I want my own compound.

I want a small compound -- maybe 50 acres at the absolute total max. With small, cohousing style homes, and a central meeting house for communal meals a few times a week (again, largely following the cohousing model).

I want to grow fruit trees for the member families to have fruit (apples, peaches, pears, plums, cherries), nut trees (maybe a few pecan trees and a few walnut trees), and to grow most of the veggies for communal meals and communal usage.

I want some chickens and ducks for eggs (not for meat).

I also want maybe a few goats for milk to make cheeses.

Perhaps a few alpacas too -- because they are cute and fluffy and have such sweet personalities.

Everyone has to work to divide the work evenly (averages like 1 day per week, either with meal prep, or garden work, or tending to some of the animals, community yard work, or cleaning up after a communal meal, canning/preserving food??)

I want to be largely self-sufficient on the "basics".

I want to do like movie-nights with popcorn & snack on the weekends in the main communal house; outings in a group (maybe have a van or two?) to do 1-day trips, or for shopping.

I want to know all of my neighbors and live in an INTENTIONAL COMMUNITY. I want CONSENSUS for decision making (like "hey, I think we should put in a kids play ground area, what do we all think? yay/nay? Lets discuss at the monthly community meeting next Weds)

I want to have shared resources for the "big items" like power tools (does every home really need a powersaw? or can we all buy 1 together and have it to check out of the community library)

No-- I don't want a commune... if you have personal resources (money, etc) then that is yours... and no one can mooch off the community stuff if they don't contribute to it.

But if there is a shared economy of sorts, then overall cost of living goes down and everyone has more disposable income... or doesn't have to bust their ass to make ends meet.

Who is with me?

"you can say I'm a dreamer... but I'm not the only one...."

and incase it didn't work go to:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rN2VqFPNS8w

CLASSIC... and I needed to laugh my ass off... about something!

Just came back to town last night-- drove 10.5 hours each way to/from Atlanta

I am so wiped on so many levels.

My dad is so uber-ill..

... and the hospital he is in is a total SHITHOLE of a place... I am stunned they are even accredited.

Its all just SO Awful!!!

Anyway, that is occupying a lot of my physical & emotional energy these days... :-(

no one but KBN asked... thanks guys, its nice to know how much you care.

Highlights of my Dallas trip -- my kids doing the mechanical bull (Rebecca was REALLY GOOD at it!!!), seeing a real cattle drive, going to the Cowboy Museum, and the Cowgirl Museum (the girls one kicked ass more!), and going to a real rodeo.

Our rental car was broken into. Someone smashed the window in front of my sister's house and stole the GPS. We did a police report and our insurance will get us a new one. Still, it was scary, and a pain in the ass.

I bought KBN a can of real Dublin Dr. Pepper. See http://www.dublindrpepper.com/ for details on why this is so special!

I also bought her a Dr. Pepper Beef Jerky. See this website for details:
http://www.olddocs.com/product.aspx?id=175&up1=0&up2=0&up3=0&cat=Miscellaneous&subcat1=Other&subcat2=

I am so jazzed that these 2 things made her happy. I wasn't intending to buy her a TX souvenier, but I just "HAD TO"! :-)

going to visit my sister

CHAIO losers

:-)

ok, if you didn't watch Jericho... you are on my shit list. That show rocked, and had such awesome potential, and its gone... again.

WHY is it that the only shows I ever watch dont last... and BULLSHIT like reality tv and stupid sitcoms stay on for like 10 years+ ????

AMERICANS SUCK!!! You are all stupid and have no taste in entertainment!

Long live the boring, mediocre and the inoffensive garbage that will not make you use any of your ROTTING neurons!

yeah... I bake, I cook, I even make sauces, jellies & jams... I am also the "gravy master"...

so, since I love to cook, and love to eat. I find it a nice way to get creative, be domestic and show the ones I care about that I love them... and doesn't food always taste better when it is made with love? (hey, no disgusting commentary, please)

Anyhow, Dan's b/day was this week. He was pissed that I "didn't do anything" for him. Well, I was planning to do something this weekend, and I did.

I made him Meyer Lemon bars. If you are not familiar with Meyer lemons -- they are in the lemon family, have a more orangey looking peel, and the juice/pulp is more sweet-to-tangy, not tart-puckery.

Meyer lemons were being sold at Trader Joes (goddamn, I love that place) for $2.50 for a package of 4!!! Usually these lemons are only found at really expensive specialty markets for really expensive specialty market prices. I would normally expect to pay over $2 per lemon, not for 4 of them.

In the past, other things I have made a few times for Dan's birthday are black forest cake (curled the chocolate ribbons on top myself, and made with real brandy and homemade whipping cream), cheesecakes, etc. And I took cake decorating classes, so I have made almost all of my kids birthday cakes with some seriously intricate designs.

Well, I hope Dan is surprised and happy when he comes home.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23697230/

very sad.

And it's more than just because its "jewish music"...
Yeah, these lyrics and sentiments that I feel in my very soul lately...

--Is this the little girl I carried?
Is this the little boy at play?
--I don't remember growing older
When did they?
--When did she get to be a beauty?
When did he get to be so tall?
--Wasn't it yesterday
When they were small?

Big sigh... my kids are growing so fast.

My son told me with a big shit-eating grin on his face that he had a dream the other night about "kissing a lot of girls - and it wasn't gross!!!"

I can't believe my oldest is going through the start of puberty. I know he is "on the young side" of the normal age range for such things... but still!
(And its no surprise to me he is heterosexual)

most barriers are actually ones we create for ourselves... out of fear, ignorance, social custom, or poor self-esteem.

out of the mouths of my kids (Zachary -- aged 10.5, Rebecca -- aged 8)

we were talking about restaurants, and Rebecca asked to go to a new place near our house called the Pomegranate Bistro. Its a kosher restaurant.
She wanted to go b/c they have the word Pomegranite in it and she love pomegranite fruit.

Dan & I explained that was just the name, they did not have poms on the menu.

Zachary then goes into a monologue about restaurant names:

"Mom/Dad, you are wrong. Most places that have a food name as the restaurant name focus on that kind of food... I mean Taco Bell is a place to go get Tacos, Urban BBQ is a place to go eat BBQ, Urban Burger has lots of BURGERS... and Hooters, oh.. wait... Hooters doesn't have hooters... but anyway, you get what I am saying!!!!"

It was EVERYTHING Dan & I could do not to bust into major laughter... but Dan did say, under his breath so only I could hear, "well, I beg to differ!!!"

yeah, and I muttered back for his amusement, "oh my, that is SO going in my LJ!!!"

here is my garden update

( Read more )
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my friend Hope says if there is a world-wide apocolypse... she is coming to my house b/c I know how to grow food, can it, preserve it, etc...

Yeah, well... I will be the benevolent dictator of my compound if there is a world-wide apolcolypse... as long as you will all obey me, you can eat my food. HAHA

LONG diatribe on weirdness that happened to me at Rehab!!!
first I will say that Shawn, Gabe & Frankie can all back me up on this... this really happened...

OH MY FREAKING GOD!!! It's stuff like this that makes me want to become a nun, enuinch, or other assexual being when it comes to the sapphic world.

( Read more )
----

Maybe an hour later, a former acquaintence named Simona (I have know on an acquaintence type level for like 10 years!) shows up.

Simona always flirts with me, but she is very very forward with everyone and I had heard some things about her from another acquaintence who used to date her that were not flattering (about her being a stalker/psychopath/vindictive person that wound up with a restraining order against her!!!)... so I have always brushed her off in a friendly way.

Anyhow, Simona was so complimentary about my weight loss, that I looked great, seemed happy, etc.

We talked for like an hour, danced and had a decent time. She gave me her phone number and asked me to call her.

Debating whether to do that...

knowing my luck, if I did, the stuff I have heard about her being a stalker/psychopath/vindictive person would wind up being true...

BIG SIGH!!!!

had Tanita Body composition Analysis done again today... had to beg the people at Reveal MedSpa to let me do it again (technically it is free b/c they do it as a marketing ploy if you go in for a Lipodissolve consultation / sales pitch)

Well, they wouldn't return my calls about this... and I am NOT a candidate for Lipodissolve b/c I am diabetic.

So, I had part of the day off (-- used it for Galahad's vet stuff, and then my second meeting with the dietician) and so I literally showed up on the doorstep of Reveal and managed to get them to let me in so I could literally step on their fancy scale for 20 seconds, and then wait 20 more seconds for the computer printout. Yeah, it was a real taxing experience for them on their facility & person-power!!!! GGGRRRR...

Anyway, here are the results/ comparison to last time. My estimates of how much I needed to lose are still pretty accurate.

( Read more )
All in all, moving along in a healthy way... not losing too fast, gaining muscle... "slow & steady wins the race"... getting towards my acheivable goal in a way that will be a lifelong change and will STAY!!!!
YAY -- GO ME!!!!